Two More Rejections

They came like machine gun fire today…okay, that’s a little over-the-top.  There were two right in a row, so i guess that doesn’t qualify as machine gun-like.  It was rapid fire, though.  47 seconds apart, according to email time stamps. 

It’s not a big surprise that the rejections were close together because they were both from the same magazine.  One Story told me, “unfortunately,  we feel your story doesn’t fit with One Story.”  And then told me the same thing 47 seconds later. 

 You can’t even open two emails and their attachments that quickly, nonetheless read a story and respond to it.  So I see two possibilities.  I’m not sure which I dislike more…

The first possibility is that there was a list of stories to review, so the editors got together, made their final selection, as One Story is precisely that…One story at a time makes up the whole issue, and then emailed everyone else that didn’t make that final cut all in one sitting. 

 The second possibility is that they saw my submission, didn’t recognize the name as anyone noteworthy in the literary world and sent me the cut and paste or autoresponse.

I don’t like the first possibility becuase it means I didn’t make the grade. 

I don’t like the second possibility because I didn’t even get a chance.

 My first response is to think the second possibility is better, not having been rejected on my actual work, but solely because my name is not yet marketable, but the more I think about that, the more I tend to think the second possibility is much worse. 

No, I am positive the second possibility is worse. 

It would be worlds better to have an editor write back, telling me how he really didn’t like what I wrote, why it sucked, what needs his magazine has that I failed to meet, all the problems he saw with what I wrote than to just have my stuff thrown out. 

This initial response, thinking it might be better not to have been rejected based on my work, is almost the exact cowardice that kept me from sending any stories out to publishers for years.  I could come up with a million reasons back then why it wasn’t time yet.  Didn’t have enough stories.  Didn’t have a plan.  Didn’t have my “voice” yet.  Didn’t know how it all worked yet.  Didn’t think this story or that story was polished enough….

And I believed every one of them. 

I can’t speak for everyone who writes, but I know for me, it’s a real roller coaster of confidence.  I’ll finish a story, read it through and think it’s a good strong piece that I am proud to have my name attached to.  I’ll read it and know it has a real shot at being published.

Then, my confidence will roll over the top of that hill and start its way down.  I’ll try to explain a story to someone and hear my own verbal explanation of the story and think, Wow, that really sounds awful when I explain it like that.  I’ll start to think of the sheer volume of people trying to get published out there and start to wonder what exactly makes me think my stuff should stand out or what keeps my stuff from just being run of the mill.  I’ll read a fantastic short story and think Now that’s how it’s done.

But then i’ll pick up some literary magazine or even a book and run across something I feel really is run of the mill. That’s when I start up the next hill.  At the risk of sounding cocky, I have to admit, I’ve read published material and thought If this got published I know my stuff is good enough.  Sometimes all it takes is just to re-read one of my stories to boost my confidence again.

As time goes by, despite the rejections, I have more ups than downs in my confidence level.  More and more, the downs are just becoming moments of doubt that are fleeting.  I think i’ll need to find a new analogy to replace my roller coaster one.  it’s a pretty boring roller coaster that spends most of its time going uphill.

My Interview with the Magic Eight Ball

I am often overwhelmed when I turn to the evening news or a daily newspaper.  It seems like there are so many issues and problems in our society and in the world as a whole and so few people with any answers.  I cannot recall the last time I heard a politician pitch an idea that seemed like a reasonable answer to any of our social problems.  In my search for some answers, I turned to the one source of reliable information from my childhood.  The Magic Eight Ball. 

Sean Hewlett: “Magic Eight Ball, what do you feel is the biggest issue that we, as Americans must overcome over all else?”

 

Magic Eight Ball: “DON’T COUNT ON IT.”

 

SH: “Hmm, I am not sure I follow you.  Maybe I should ask it this way; is terrorism the biggest threat to our daily lives and existence as a culture today?”

 

MEB: “SIGNS POINT TO YES.”

 

SH: “Interesting.  So do you feel we are winning the War on Terror?”

 

MEB: “CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.”

 

SH: “umm, okay… do you feel we are winning the War on Terror?”

 

MEB: “MOST LIKELY.”

 

SH: “It sounds like you have your doubts.”

 

MEB: “BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW.”

 

SH: “I hardly think this is the time to avoid the question, Mr. Ball, what with your identifying terrorism as the biggest issue in our lives and then expressing some doubt over the effectiveness of the War on Terror.  Wouldn’t you agree that American deserves a response?”

 

MEB: “MY SOURCES SAY NO.”

 

SH: “Your sources, huh.  I am glad you mentioned that. For years, you have referred to these sources with no clarity as to whom they may be.  Let’s get to the bottom of this.  Are these sources in any way connected to the government?”

 

MEB: “REPLY HAZY, ASK AGAIN LATER.”

 

SH: “Oh, no, you’re not out of the hot seat that easily.  I will ask again.  Are these sources connected to the government?”

 

MEB: “YES.”

 

SH: “Thank you for that straight-forward answer, but let’s get specific.  CIA?”

 

MEB: “YES, DEFINITELY.”

 

SH: “Wow, startlingly candid! Don’t you fear the repercussions of revealing this involvement with the CIA?”

 

(Interviewer’s note:  At this point in the interview, the Magic Eight Ball obviously became uncomfortable, replying first “CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN,” then “REPLY HAZY, ASK AGAIN LATER” before finally honestly answering the question.)

 

MEB: “WITHOUT A DOUBT”

 

SH: “This revelation brings up a point…I received reliable information from you several years ago that I now find disturbing, knowing where this information came from.  How exactly did your sources, which we now know as CIA operatives, know anything about whether or not Erica Cox liked me when I was in the second grade?

 

MEB: “WITHOUT A DOUBT”

 

SH: “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

MEB: “AS I SEE IT, YES.”

 

SH: “This is getting us nowhere.  Let’s get back to the matter of national security.  Once again, you presented terrorism as the most pressing issue in
America today.  Did the CIA provide you with information that suggests evidence of future attacks?”

 

MEB: “CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN”

 

SH; “I’m growing tired of these games, Eight Ball.  Would having me “concentrate” really help you answer that question straight-up?”

 

MEB: “IT IS DECIDEDLY SO”

 

SH: “Fine, but I really feel like you’re just having me jump through hoops…Did the CIA provide you with information that suggests evidence of future attacks?”

 

MEB; “OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD”

 

SH: “Now, does that mean outlook not so good as in the outlook for the safety of American citizens?”

 

MEB: “OUTLOOK GOOD”

 

SH: “So, then…man, let me try to keep up here.  The outlook for terrorists is not so good, but the outlook for American citizens and their safety is good?”

 

MEB: “MY REPLY IS NO”

 

SH: “You’re a real prick sometimes, you know?”

 

MEB: “MY SOURCES SAY NO”

 

SH: “Well, my sources say you’re a tool, but whatever…anyway back to the question at hand.  I’ll go slow here and please, remember, we are talking about the lives of Americans here.  Your information could help save lives, so I implore you to be direct.  IS the “outlook” good for the safety of Americans?”

 

MEB: “CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN”

 

SH: “Are you shitting me?!”

 

MEB: “ASK AGAIN LATER”

 

SH: “Listen…you are not going to frustrate me to the point that I give up on these questions.  Now tell me if the outlook for
America’s safety is good or so help me, I’ll shake you so hard you won’t get rid of the little bubbles inside of you for a month.”

 

MEB: “AS I SEE IT YES”

 

SH: “Thank you! Was it really that hard to just answer the question?”

 

MEB: “VERY DOUBTFUL”

 

SH: “I whole-heartedly agree, you freakin’…never mind.  So with that being said, are we close to shutting down the terrorist threat?”

 

MEB: “VERY DOUBTFUL”

 

SH: “So, while there is no real threat to
America’s safety, at the same time, we are unlikely to stop terrorism.  Nice fence-straddling.  Have you ever thought of running for office?”

 

MEB: “ASK AGAIN LATER”

 

SH: “Well, that sounds like a yes to me.  And you should.  You sound like every other D.C. windbag, avoiding ever really saying anything and avoiding shutting up at the same time.  That’s a real skill.”

 

MEB: “SIGNS POINT TO YES”

 

SH: “I really don’t have the patience for this interview to continue, so let me wrap up with one last pressing question.  Will I get want I asked for on my birthday?”

 

MEB: “OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD”

 

SH:  “Damn it.”

Commencement Speech I Would Give If Asked to Speak at a Fifth Grade Graduation Ceremony

Children, this may be hard to understand and a difficult truth to face, but that cool reputation you’ve been able to build up over the past 5 years as you climbed the ranks of (Fill in name of School) Elementary will soon work very much against you in three short months as you enter the brattiest, most obnoxious phase of your life and walk the halls of middle school.  The things you’ve learned to display to the world and even brag against are about to become dreadful secrets.  Please, heed these warnings.

You’re G.I. Joe’s are no longer cool.  The same goes for Yu-Gi-Uh, Bratz, Transformers, you get the picture.  You who were known as The One, the one with the most impressive collection of whatever specific toy, you are in particular danger.  It may be too late to keep others from knowing about your collection.  You are about to learn your first lesson in karma for all those times you mocked the lesser collections of others. 

The rest of you, here is how you salvage the situation.  If you are caught with or accused of having any collection of toys, you respond thusly;

First, make a flippant comeback that matches the superior middle school intellect.  Something like, “Yeah, you wish!” or “Whatever.” 

Next, you repeat this with as much contempt as you can put into your voice, “I ganked (or Debo’ed) them from my little brother (or sister) to blow them up with fireworks I stole.” If there is no younger sibling to blame, you name a cousin. 

From there you will do your best to get your hands on fireworks (No, Sparklers and Snakes are not fireworks) and you will invite the accuser over to witness the demolition of the toys. 

Comic books are not going to be cool in middle school either, but do not destroy those.  Doing so will haunt you every time you hear a story about someone being able to retire young from the fortune they made off their old comic book collection.  You just tuck these away in the attic and do not mention them until you are 24 or so.

And for those of you that are known for that really great skill you’ve developed over the years, such as farting the loudest, burping the longest, eating gross things for money, flipping your eyelids inside out, or similar gross-out feats, you are in a complicated situation.  First of all, you need to hold onto these skills. You still need them.  However, the public displays of the skills must halt.  These are boys-only techniques, meaning that for the next several years, possibly the rest of your life, it will not only be okay to do these things in the company of other boys, but it will even be praised, but girls will no longer be impressed by who can create the longest string of spit and still be able to suck it back into his mouth.  Think of these gross-out abilities as your superpowers.  Girls are your kryptonite.  When they are present, your powers disappear. 

And girls, I say boys-only techniques because no matter how hard the boys laugh when you display one of these abilities and seem to approve, this is not the type of approval you will be seeking.  This will make you “one of the boys.”  Boys don’t want to kiss “one of the boys.”  Well, some might, but that gets complicated. 

Here are the things you need to like or just pretend to like to work towards avoiding being a complete social outcast: Popular music, the opposite sex, hanging out, R-rated movies even if you haven’t seen any, basically, whatever MTV tells you to like.  Everything else bores you beyond description, calling for sarcastic remarks and serious rolling of the eyes. 

You’ll need to know what is and is not funny to you anymore.

The following words can no longer cause you to giggle: Fanny, Rump, Doodie, Booger, Crap, Poot, Toot, Wee Wee, Pee Pee, Poopie, Tinkle, or Wiener.  And you must never laugh at a teacher’s joke.  It’s okay to laugh at a teacher when it is done at his or her expense, but you never laugh with a teacher. 

Here is a list of what is funny; All cusswords and obscene gestures.  That’s about it.

It is now time to stop raising your hand to answer questions in class.  Even more important, avoid the sharing of personal anecdotes in classroom participation.  You definitely don’t want to be That Guy. 

Boys, when school shopping comes around this year, make sure your supplies include a large trapper keeper.  All I’ll say is there are times you are going to need it for cover.  You’ll understand later.  And that reminds me, at school dances, keep a little daylight between you and the girl you are slow dancing with. 

All these things being said, it is important to know these are methods to minimize the level of shunning you are about to experience.  There is nothing you can do to make yourself be cool next school year.  You can only be a little less uncool. Why?  One phrase: Low man on the totem pole.  Think about it, would you, as lofty ultra-cool fifth graders revere even the hippest of kindergarteners as cool and spend your free time hanging out with them?  I think not. 

But have hope.  In two short years, you’ll be ready to take over as 8^th graders, top of the heap again.  Of course, there’s the next year where you will take an even bigger leap from cool to social outcast than you are about to embark on, but worry about that when you get there.  You are really not ready for the advice you’ll need for that jump.

Famous Names That Are Less Impressive When Attached to Alternative Job Titles

Conan the Career Advisor

The Great and Terrible Fluffer of Oz

Bret “The Informant” Hart

Assistant Manager Hogg

John Henry the Tax Filin’ Man

Dr. Doom, DDS