June 30th – Sometimes I have to wonder about this never-ending war with Cobra. Super frustrating battle with Cobra today. For about the billionth time, we had this large scale ground battle, thousands of troops, lots of artillery, tanks, hovercrafts, even some jet fighters overhead… and not one single casualty. It sure would help the cause to kill at least one of Cobra’s guys. We did almost lose Flint when his jet got hit with a surface to air missile. Luckily, he parachuted out after the missile struck the cockpit. Close call.
July 1st – Duke thinks he’s so hot just because he’s got a voice box. Scarlet would so be with me if I could spit some smooth Shakespearian-level poetry shit in her ear. But what’s Duke’s big line to land her? “Baby, you must be an oppressing dictorial government, because you’re inspiring an uprising against you right now.” Seriously? Why didn’t he just ask her if it hurt when she fell from Heaven? I hope she gives him the D bacterial infection.
July 2rd – Very uncertain about the tactical planning of our operation. About 700 of our troops were sent out to battle these weird vines that Cobra inadvertently created while attempting to control the world’s weather while I was sent into Cobra HQ to destroy the weather machine. Just me. I mean, we know where the place is. Drop a bomb. Launch a missile. Just seems like we could have thought things out a little better and had a much more efficient plan to destroy the weather machine than me crawling through duct work in order to get close enough to stab it with my sword.
Plus, our choices of weapons are just plain bizarre. We have a guy that uses a falcon as his primary weapon, another guy that uses a timber wolf, one that only carries a harpoon gun, and I have to go buy my own guns because all they ever give me is that damn sword. Could be worse. There’s one dude that shows up from time-to-time that uses a football on a chain.
July 3rd – They brought in another ninja to the team today. It’s not that I mind another ninja being added to our ranks and it was great to be reunited with Storm Shadow… it just seems like making me all of a sudden switch roles on the team from a commando to a ninja was a little unnecessary when you’re just going to go out and recruit a handful of ninjas after the fact anyway. I don’t think they realize how involved that training was. Eh, at least I’m a real bad-ass now.
July 4th – The Joe cookout was today. The guy with the football on a chain is no joke on the barbeque grill.
July 5th – I don’t feel like a full member of the team. I know I’m pretty active and do a ton of missions on my own, but still, something is missing. This might be petty, but I think it mostly has to do with not being able to go out and warn kids about downed power lines or the dangers of skateboarding at construction sites, then telling them that knowing is half the battle.
July 6th – Thought about passing along my suggestions regarding more proactive approach to our war, but I have no idea how to relate up the chain of command. What the heck is the ranking system around here? I think Duke is the leader. I’m almost positive. Is he General Duke? No, just Duke. We have an admiral, lieutenant, some captains, a major, and even Sgt Slaughter, but I’m not sure if that’s their ranks or just their oddball G.I. handles. Who had that great idea? What does Snakes Eyes even mean? I’m not a gambler. Plus, our enemy is Cobra. You know… a snake?
July 7th - It would be nice if I’d either lost my hearing instead of my voice box or Gung Ho had been the one to lose the power of speech. He is the worst imaginable bunkie. He’s damn near retarded. He’s entertained and amazed by everything, but most notably, by his own farts. I’m so tired of the reek of his constant gas , but I’m even more weary of hearing stupid shit like “Houston, we have a problem. We’ve blown an O-ring,” or “Sweet Custer’s ghost! That one smells like the gardening department at K-Mart!”
