August 29th – Met this beautiful Irish woman tonight named Climax O’Rama. I think she could be the one. Granted, she came to the party on the arm of the terrorist who is my current nemesis, but she clearly wasn’t really into him. She blew him off and came back to the hotel room with me. Take that, Baron Von Stranglerhands. Wonder what he was smirking about when I left with her. Probably just masking his real feelings.
August 30th –Sure enough, she tried to kill me this morning. You’d think I’d see it coming by now. “Hi, my name is Female Body Part Innuendo. Let’s have sex before I try to kill you tomorrow. You’ll never see it coming, even though several dozen other women have done the same thing.” Yep, I’m an idiot.
August 31st – Court date today regarding restraining order and sexual harassment suit filed by Ms. Moneypenny. Pretty sure she’s just jealous that she hasn’t been one of my many conquests and trying to get some payback for that. Better up the bar when it comes to making passes at her so she doesn’t get all jealous again.
September 1st – Don’t these evil geniuses ever have non-evil, helpful ideas? I mean, I just doubt that these brilliant minds only ever think of destructo rays or tricky ways to highjack missiles. It seems unlikely that a genius mind would be limited to only evil. Or only good, for that matter. I bet Edison had a couple of Death Ray-type of ideas. Or a counterfeiting machine. Or a fingerprint remover. Or a robot programmed to deliver kicks to the bollocks.
September 2nd – AA meeting did not go so well tonight. No one appreciated me responding to being asked how I take my coffee by saying “Shaken, not stirred.” Long, awkward silence and a lot of dirty looks followed. Come on, that’s funny.
September 3rd – Spent the day the way a quiet Sunday should be spent, laying in my hammock and thumbing through a few books on my “To Read” list. One of the ones I really should have read awhile ago was the Espionage Field Guide. Turns out I shouldn’t be introducing myself to everyone buy my real name while on secret missions. Also, my grand, attention-seeking entrances at cocktail parties and casinos also bad ideas. Information that would have been useful several years ago.
September 4th – Q is really starting to irritate me with these gadgets. Sure, who couldn’t use a bulletproof briefcase or a laser pen, but some of this stuff is way past impractical. “Hey, here’s an umbrella that’s really a gun.” Yeah? How about you give me a gun that’s really a gun? You see, I can tuck that away in a number of hidden locations, such as a boot, a sports jacket, a waistband… but all I can do with the umbrella is carry it. And it’s going to look rather odd, me refusing to leave my umbrella at the door. And if I need to shoot it several times, how do I reload an umbrella? Sure, an umbrella would be less conspicuous when I travel, but why would I need to conceal it during a trip when I can just travel by use of another one of your fantastic inventions, my jet tuxedo. Jack off. Oops, I’m British… Wanker.
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