My Interview with the Magic Eight Ball

I am often overwhelmed when I turn to the evening news or a daily newspaper.  It seems like there are so many issues and problems in our society and in the world as a whole and so few people with any answers.  I cannot recall the last time I heard a politician pitch an idea that seemed like a reasonable answer to any of our social problems.  In my search for some answers, I turned to the one source of reliable information from my childhood.  The Magic Eight Ball. 

Sean Hewlett: “Magic Eight Ball, what do you feel is the biggest issue that we, as Americans must overcome over all else?”

 

Magic Eight Ball: “DON’T COUNT ON IT.”

 

SH: “Hmm, I am not sure I follow you.  Maybe I should ask it this way; is terrorism the biggest threat to our daily lives and existence as a culture today?”

 

MEB: “SIGNS POINT TO YES.”

 

SH: “Interesting.  So do you feel we are winning the War on Terror?”

 

MEB: “CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.”

 

SH: “umm, okay… do you feel we are winning the War on Terror?”

 

MEB: “MOST LIKELY.”

 

SH: “It sounds like you have your doubts.”

 

MEB: “BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW.”

 

SH: “I hardly think this is the time to avoid the question, Mr. Ball, what with your identifying terrorism as the biggest issue in our lives and then expressing some doubt over the effectiveness of the War on Terror.  Wouldn’t you agree that American deserves a response?”

 

MEB: “MY SOURCES SAY NO.”

 

SH: “Your sources, huh.  I am glad you mentioned that. For years, you have referred to these sources with no clarity as to whom they may be.  Let’s get to the bottom of this.  Are these sources in any way connected to the government?”

 

MEB: “REPLY HAZY, ASK AGAIN LATER.”

 

SH: “Oh, no, you’re not out of the hot seat that easily.  I will ask again.  Are these sources connected to the government?”

 

MEB: “YES.”

 

SH: “Thank you for that straight-forward answer, but let’s get specific.  CIA?”

 

MEB: “YES, DEFINITELY.”

 

SH: “Wow, startlingly candid! Don’t you fear the repercussions of revealing this involvement with the CIA?”

 

(Interviewer’s note:  At this point in the interview, the Magic Eight Ball obviously became uncomfortable, replying first “CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN,” then “REPLY HAZY, ASK AGAIN LATER” before finally honestly answering the question.)

 

MEB: “WITHOUT A DOUBT”

 

SH: “This revelation brings up a point…I received reliable information from you several years ago that I now find disturbing, knowing where this information came from.  How exactly did your sources, which we now know as CIA operatives, know anything about whether or not Erica Cox liked me when I was in the second grade?

 

MEB: “WITHOUT A DOUBT”

 

SH: “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

MEB: “AS I SEE IT, YES.”

 

SH: “This is getting us nowhere.  Let’s get back to the matter of national security.  Once again, you presented terrorism as the most pressing issue in
America today.  Did the CIA provide you with information that suggests evidence of future attacks?”

 

MEB: “CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN”

 

SH; “I’m growing tired of these games, Eight Ball.  Would having me “concentrate” really help you answer that question straight-up?”

 

MEB: “IT IS DECIDEDLY SO”

 

SH: “Fine, but I really feel like you’re just having me jump through hoops…Did the CIA provide you with information that suggests evidence of future attacks?”

 

MEB; “OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD”

 

SH: “Now, does that mean outlook not so good as in the outlook for the safety of American citizens?”

 

MEB: “OUTLOOK GOOD”

 

SH: “So, then…man, let me try to keep up here.  The outlook for terrorists is not so good, but the outlook for American citizens and their safety is good?”

 

MEB: “MY REPLY IS NO”

 

SH: “You’re a real prick sometimes, you know?”

 

MEB: “MY SOURCES SAY NO”

 

SH: “Well, my sources say you’re a tool, but whatever…anyway back to the question at hand.  I’ll go slow here and please, remember, we are talking about the lives of Americans here.  Your information could help save lives, so I implore you to be direct.  IS the “outlook” good for the safety of Americans?”

 

MEB: “CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN”

 

SH: “Are you shitting me?!”

 

MEB: “ASK AGAIN LATER”

 

SH: “Listen…you are not going to frustrate me to the point that I give up on these questions.  Now tell me if the outlook for
America’s safety is good or so help me, I’ll shake you so hard you won’t get rid of the little bubbles inside of you for a month.”

 

MEB: “AS I SEE IT YES”

 

SH: “Thank you! Was it really that hard to just answer the question?”

 

MEB: “VERY DOUBTFUL”

 

SH: “I whole-heartedly agree, you freakin’…never mind.  So with that being said, are we close to shutting down the terrorist threat?”

 

MEB: “VERY DOUBTFUL”

 

SH: “So, while there is no real threat to
America’s safety, at the same time, we are unlikely to stop terrorism.  Nice fence-straddling.  Have you ever thought of running for office?”

 

MEB: “ASK AGAIN LATER”

 

SH: “Well, that sounds like a yes to me.  And you should.  You sound like every other D.C. windbag, avoiding ever really saying anything and avoiding shutting up at the same time.  That’s a real skill.”

 

MEB: “SIGNS POINT TO YES”

 

SH: “I really don’t have the patience for this interview to continue, so let me wrap up with one last pressing question.  Will I get want I asked for on my birthday?”

 

MEB: “OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD”

 

SH:  “Damn it.”

Commencement Speech I Would Give If Asked to Speak at a Fifth Grade Graduation Ceremony

Children, this may be hard to understand and a difficult truth to face, but that cool reputation you’ve been able to build up over the past 5 years as you climbed the ranks of (Fill in name of School) Elementary will soon work very much against you in three short months as you enter the brattiest, most obnoxious phase of your life and walk the halls of middle school.  The things you’ve learned to display to the world and even brag against are about to become dreadful secrets.  Please, heed these warnings.

You’re G.I. Joe’s are no longer cool.  The same goes for Yu-Gi-Uh, Bratz, Transformers, you get the picture.  You who were known as The One, the one with the most impressive collection of whatever specific toy, you are in particular danger.  It may be too late to keep others from knowing about your collection.  You are about to learn your first lesson in karma for all those times you mocked the lesser collections of others. 

The rest of you, here is how you salvage the situation.  If you are caught with or accused of having any collection of toys, you respond thusly;

First, make a flippant comeback that matches the superior middle school intellect.  Something like, “Yeah, you wish!” or “Whatever.” 

Next, you repeat this with as much contempt as you can put into your voice, “I ganked (or Debo’ed) them from my little brother (or sister) to blow them up with fireworks I stole.” If there is no younger sibling to blame, you name a cousin. 

From there you will do your best to get your hands on fireworks (No, Sparklers and Snakes are not fireworks) and you will invite the accuser over to witness the demolition of the toys. 

Comic books are not going to be cool in middle school either, but do not destroy those.  Doing so will haunt you every time you hear a story about someone being able to retire young from the fortune they made off their old comic book collection.  You just tuck these away in the attic and do not mention them until you are 24 or so.

And for those of you that are known for that really great skill you’ve developed over the years, such as farting the loudest, burping the longest, eating gross things for money, flipping your eyelids inside out, or similar gross-out feats, you are in a complicated situation.  First of all, you need to hold onto these skills. You still need them.  However, the public displays of the skills must halt.  These are boys-only techniques, meaning that for the next several years, possibly the rest of your life, it will not only be okay to do these things in the company of other boys, but it will even be praised, but girls will no longer be impressed by who can create the longest string of spit and still be able to suck it back into his mouth.  Think of these gross-out abilities as your superpowers.  Girls are your kryptonite.  When they are present, your powers disappear. 

And girls, I say boys-only techniques because no matter how hard the boys laugh when you display one of these abilities and seem to approve, this is not the type of approval you will be seeking.  This will make you “one of the boys.”  Boys don’t want to kiss “one of the boys.”  Well, some might, but that gets complicated. 

Here are the things you need to like or just pretend to like to work towards avoiding being a complete social outcast: Popular music, the opposite sex, hanging out, R-rated movies even if you haven’t seen any, basically, whatever MTV tells you to like.  Everything else bores you beyond description, calling for sarcastic remarks and serious rolling of the eyes. 

You’ll need to know what is and is not funny to you anymore.

The following words can no longer cause you to giggle: Fanny, Rump, Doodie, Booger, Crap, Poot, Toot, Wee Wee, Pee Pee, Poopie, Tinkle, or Wiener.  And you must never laugh at a teacher’s joke.  It’s okay to laugh at a teacher when it is done at his or her expense, but you never laugh with a teacher. 

Here is a list of what is funny; All cusswords and obscene gestures.  That’s about it.

It is now time to stop raising your hand to answer questions in class.  Even more important, avoid the sharing of personal anecdotes in classroom participation.  You definitely don’t want to be That Guy. 

Boys, when school shopping comes around this year, make sure your supplies include a large trapper keeper.  All I’ll say is there are times you are going to need it for cover.  You’ll understand later.  And that reminds me, at school dances, keep a little daylight between you and the girl you are slow dancing with. 

All these things being said, it is important to know these are methods to minimize the level of shunning you are about to experience.  There is nothing you can do to make yourself be cool next school year.  You can only be a little less uncool. Why?  One phrase: Low man on the totem pole.  Think about it, would you, as lofty ultra-cool fifth graders revere even the hippest of kindergarteners as cool and spend your free time hanging out with them?  I think not. 

But have hope.  In two short years, you’ll be ready to take over as 8^th graders, top of the heap again.  Of course, there’s the next year where you will take an even bigger leap from cool to social outcast than you are about to embark on, but worry about that when you get there.  You are really not ready for the advice you’ll need for that jump.

Famous Names That Are Less Impressive When Attached to Alternative Job Titles

Conan the Career Advisor

The Great and Terrible Fluffer of Oz

Bret “The Informant” Hart

Assistant Manager Hogg

John Henry the Tax Filin’ Man

Dr. Doom, DDS

Good and bad life advice taken from the pages of NES instruction manuals

Good Advice

 As you skate around the Main Park, watch out for cars tearing through the streets, tough-looking thugs, motorcycle maniacs, and Frisbee-throwing freaks.

 A Fat Man is as bad as his belly is big. He'll put the squeeze on your vitality if he gets his hands on you.

 The Leather Shield is not much use against bullets or fire attacks

 Oil; once you run over it, your car will slide.

 The higher the number of your virus level, the more viruses you start with.

 Avoid going through the mud.

 Sharing food with all members of your party helps everyone stay healthy

 When you return to town, or journey to new ones, you should go shopping.

 If you are adjacent to two or more enemy monsters, you should review the strength of each before deciding which one you should fight.

 Dodge opponent's punches and then punch back immediately.  You'll startle your opponent (his face will show it).  This is your chance -- punch furiously

 Watch out for poisonous snakes in the underground shelter

 Be advised to keep an eye out for weapons, ropes and life sustaining pizza pies as you go.

 Fend off the boomerang with the shield.

 You loose a life if you fall down waterfalls.

 You will find some enemies more vulnerable to certain weapons than others.

 A Master Ninja’s hands and feet are deadly weapons.

 Finding the Boss’s key weakness is the key to defeating him and a Boss will always have a weakness.  None are invincible.

Bad advice

Defeat all your opponents, and challenge Mike Tyson in the Dream Fight!

If you want to know what lies beyond a ledge on Earth, simply toss a jellybean in the unknown direction

Some of your enemies will be carrying guns. Kill them and you can pick up the gun they leave behind

Whenever you are low on energy, look for energy pills to eat

The triple rock is the ultimate weapon

The Boss may seem human, but don’t be fooled

Make sure you kill any military officers you happen to come across 

Follow-up songs to Checch and Chong’s Basketball Jones

Jai Ali DT’s

Shuffleboard Munchies

Chutes and Ladders Physical Dependence

Boggle Recreational Use

Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Rehab

Four-Square Withdrawal

Duck Duck Goose Cold Turkey

Hockey Tolerance

Presidential Physical Fitness Challenge Overdose

Pac-Man Fever

Rebuttal to the Wishes Expressed in the Song If I Had a Hammer by Someone Who Does, In Fact, Have a Hammer

I have to say I feel you are grossly overestimating the impact hammer ownership would have on your life. 

Let me elaborate.

First of all, I can appreciate your enthusiasm, but let me tell you, using a hammer isn’t as enthralling as you may believe.  If you start off hammering in the morning, no matter your level of excitement or motivation, you are not going to feel like hammering by the time evening rolls around and most certainly, you will not feel like doing so all over this land.  That’s bad for your elbow anyway. 

Secondly, the amount of danger one can hammer out is fairly limited.  You can make sure there are not brads or nails sticking up in doorways so people don’t snag their socks and you can decrease the likelihood of wall hangings falling on passerbys.  You might be able to ward off a dog attack if the dog is small, old, or lazy.  I’d say it might help in a mugging scenario, but rethinking that, it’d probably just get you shot.   

Most importantly though, a hammer is not a good communication device.  If you have a warning to deliver to someone, please use a more effective tool for delivering said warning.  If you were to email, phone, or fax a warning to someone, chances are they will clearly understand the cause for your concern and be able to more effectively develop a plan to avoid the dangers they were being warned of.  If you use a hammer to do this, the best response I can foresee is “Hey, what’s that hammering sound?”  Not the response that could help one avoid a flash flood or hurricane.   

And as far as Hammering out love between all your brothers and sisters, I’d suggest you turn to family counseling or maybe just some quality time.  Threats are not going to force anyone to love anyone.   

I am not trying to take away any credit from the hammer.  I hate to imagine how much longer the home improvement projects I have been working on would have taken without the use of this tool.  It’s design is perhaps genius in that all your nail needs are addressed in one-hand held device.  Need to put one into something, there you go.  Need to pull one out of something, turn that bad boy around and you’re halfway there.  Also, if you hit a BB with a hammer, it gets really hot. That is science in action, so that is cool. 

All I am trying to say here is that while some aspects of life have been greatly improved by the hammer, I feel you are neglecting several key life areas and expecting a hammer to magically intervene and whisk your problems away.  That’s unrealistic and unhealthy.   

Sincerely,

Sean Hewlett

Hammer Owner 

Original Versions of Famous Film Lines Less Inspired Than The Final Revisions

“Frankly Scarlet, you’re going to have to repeat that. I spaced for a second.”
 
“Soylent Green is salty!”
 
“I’m out of order? I’m out of order?! Well, I apologize, then.”
 
“To Infinity and…geez, there’s really nothing left after infinity.”
 
“As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a Pep Boy.”
 
“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, why did mine always draw in the fat chicks?”
 
“The first rule of Fight club is…no purple nurples.”
 
“I’m going to make him an offer he’ll seriously have to mull over.”
 
“Go ahead, Punk, why would I care?”
 
“Tell ‘em to go out there with all they got and cover the point spread for the Gipper.”