Rejection Emails I Have Received from McSweeney’s with the Messages Written between the Lines Spelled out.

– Hi Sean, Thanks for the list submission. We’re going to pass on it this time, but feel free to keep submitting!

Jess

– Hi Sean, Thanks for the lists submission. We’re going to pass on it this time, but feel free to keep submitting! I have a special button on my computer that generates messages to writers I don’t want to waste my time with. Guess what I just pressed.

Jess

– Hi Sean , Copy. Thanks for the list submission. We’re going to pass on it this time, but feel free to keep submitting!

Jess. Paste.

– Hi Sean – One-line lists need to really knock our socks off to get through. This one doesn’t. it does, however, suck shit through a straw, so thanks, as always, for the look.

Best, Chris

– Sean, It’s a little difficult to read. Can you reduce it some, pick your best choices, and resubmit? Wait, how about you just save it? Your rewrite will be equally difficult to read. I think you might be retarded and it’s kind of mean to give you false hope, so just don’t.

Benjamin

– Hi Sean – Alas, we’re not going to use this list, but thanks for the look, Sean. Please tell your friends and family to stop encouraging you in your writing pursuits.

Best, Chris

– Hi Sean, Thanks for the look, but I’m going to piss on your irrational hopes here.

Best, Benjamin Cohen Lists Editor

– Hi Sean, I’m gonna pass here, but please don’t hesitate to submit more in the future. I really love how it feels to shoot people down and you obviously love how it feels to get shot down, so keep it coming. We’ve got a good thing going here.

Best, Benjamin

– Hi Sean, Thanks for the chance to read your lists submission. We’re going to have to pass this time, but we look forward to reading your future work. Also, please note that we only read one submission per person at a time. It’s like getting kicked in the crotch twice. The first one hurts bad enough. Why make us suffer twice? Give us time to heal.

Jess

– I think the piece is funny, but the format is really similar to some pieces we already do, John Moe’s Pop Song Correspondences, and I like to let him hold on to that territory since he brought the concept to us. And he’s funny. You are not. I lied at the beginning of this email. Deal with it.

Best, John — John Warner Website Editor

– Hi Sean – Clever, but I feel like I’ve seen something similar to it before, so I’m not going to use it. All the same, thanks for the look. By thanks I mean, way to waste my time. And by for the look, I mean you unoriginal douche.

Best, Chris

– Hi Sean – I like the spin you put on this, but I’m afraid on going to pass it nonetheless. Suck it.

Best, Chris

– Hi Sean – This is well-written, but the target feels a bit too easy, so I’m going to pass. I wonder if the well has run dry for humorous takes on Tourette’s sufferers. (Yeah, there’s nothing added to this one)

Best, Chris

Top Secret Journal of James Bond, Agent 007

 

 

 

August 29^th – Met this beautiful Irish woman tonight named Climax O’Rama.  I think she could be the one.  Granted, she came to the party on the arm of the terrorist who is my current nemesis, but she clearly wasn’t really into him.  She blew him off and came back to the hotel room with me.  Take that, Baron Von Stranglerhands.  Wonder what he was smirking about when I left with her.  Probably just masking his real feelings. 

  

August 30^th –Sure enough, she tried to kill me this morning.  You’d think I’d see it coming by now.  “Hi, my name is Female Body Part Innuendo.  Let’s have sex before I try to kill you tomorrow.  You’ll never see it coming, even though several dozen other women have done the same thing.”  Yep, I’m an idiot. 

  

August 31^st  – Court date today regarding restraining order and sexual harassment suit filed by Ms. Moneypenny.  Pretty sure she’s just jealous that she hasn’t been one of my many conquests and trying to get some payback for that.  Better up the bar when it comes to making passes at her so she doesn’t get all jealous again. 

  

September 1^st – Don’t these evil geniuses ever have non-evil, helpful ideas?  I mean, I just doubt that these brilliant minds only ever think of destructo rays or tricky ways to highjack missiles.  It seems unlikely that a genius mind would be limited to only evil.  Or only good, for that matter.  I bet Edison had a couple of Death Ray-type of ideas. Or a counterfeiting machine.  Or a fingerprint remover.  Or a robot programmed to deliver kicks to the bollocks. 

 

September 2nd – AA meeting did not go so well tonight.  No one appreciated me responding to being asked how I take my coffee by saying “Shaken, not stirred.”  Long, awkward silence and a lot of dirty looks followed.  Come on, that’s funny. 

 

September 3rd – Spent the day the way a quiet Sunday should be spent, laying in my hammock and thumbing through a few books on my “To Read” list.  One of the ones I really should have read awhile ago was the Espionage Field Guide.  Turns out I shouldn’t be introducing myself to everyone buy my real name while on secret missions.  Also, my grand, attention-seeking entrances at cocktail parties and casinos also bad ideas.  Information that would have been useful several years ago.   

  

September 4th – Q is really starting to irritate me with these gadgets.  Sure, who couldn’t use a bulletproof briefcase or a laser pen, but some of this stuff is way past impractical.  “Hey, here’s an umbrella that’s really a gun.”  Yeah?  How about you give me a gun that’s really a gun?  You see, I can tuck that away in a number of hidden locations, such as a boot, a sports jacket, a waistband… but all I can do with the umbrella is carry it.  And it’s going to look rather odd, me refusing to leave my umbrella at the door.  And if I need to shoot it several times, how do I reload an umbrella?  Sure, an umbrella would be less conspicuous when I travel, but why would I need to conceal it during a trip when I can just travel by use of another one of your fantastic inventions, my jet tuxedo.  Jack off.  Oops, I’m British… Wanker.

   – 

To Do List from March 13th, 1984 for the Guy from Wham that Isn’t George Michaels

1.  Practice whatever instrument it is I play in the group.  Or maybe I just sing.  

2. Cash paycheck for performing whatever service I perform for the group.

3. Talk George into changing group name from Wham to Michaels and … whatever my name is.

4. Climb on top of George for super-masculine album cover photo to dispel silly rumors of our being homosexuals.

5. Buy some acid.

6. Use acid to wash new jeans

7. Avoid shaving

8. Avoiding growing a beard

9. Go load up at K-Mart neon wristband buy one get one free sale.

10. Wake George up before I go.

Select Entries from over the Years out of the Journal of Rod Hinkle, Tourrette’s Syndrome Sufferer

  

August 14^th, 1979 (Age 6) – I am bad at hide and seek.  I get found first every time.  Not much better at blind man’s bluff.  Red Light, Green Light is hard too.   I am no longer allowed to play Marco Polo, either.  My friends say I don’t play by the rules because it’s not called “Marco ASSWIPE Polo.”

 

 April 24^th 1990 (age 17) – Prom didn’t go so well.  My date Denise misunderstood my compliment.  Really not her fault though.  Meant to tell her how attractive she looked, but came out “You sure do look MONKEY BUTT beautiful tonight.”  Also, stabbed her 14 times when trying to pin on corsage. 

 

June 2^nd, 1991 (Age 18) – Great, thanks to yearbook staff, I will forever be the guy quoted as saying “It’s been a strange and wonderful man-love ride.”  They knew what I meant. 

 

November 5^th, 1994 (Age 21) – qqqqqq q q qqqqq  qq q Can’t stop q qqqqq  qq q qqqq q pressing the Q key q q qqqq q q qqq with my tongue qq q q q q qqq  qqqqqqq qq qqqqq.

 

September 12^th, 1995 (Age 22) – Almost started a riot on campus today during a speech by Rabbi Rosenberg at the Diversity Awareness Rally.   I swear, I was chanting “Kite.”  I need to start wearing an “I have Tourette’s Syndrome” t-shirt.  It’s hard to explain verbally when being rained down on with spit and water bottles. 

 

March 31^st, 1997 (Age 24) – Did some jail time for the first time in my life.  Charged with contempt during the trial in which I was a character witness for my pal Chris.  Judge took offense to me adding the words Ball-sucking, cornhole, and purple nurple to the swearing-in process.  Calling judge “Your Honor Whore” while trying to explain was not helpful.  Chris really pissed about outcome of trial. 

 

August 19^th, 1999 (Age 26) – Very productive weekend.  Rearranged CD collection alphabetically by album title, then again by year released, then again alphabetically by artist name, then again by combined number of letter in the album title and artist name least to greatest, then again by length of playtime greatest to least, then again by record label, then again by coordinating album cover color with that of spectrum, then again by algebraic formula taking into account number of people in the band multiplied by the square root of numerical year of copyright and multiplied exponentially by the number of singles released from the album, then again alphabetically by album title.  That one felt right the second time around. 

 

July 16^th, 2001 (Age 28)  – Just had 10 minute argument with neighbor across the hall without him being aware it took place.  Just had a 10 minute argument with my neighbor across the hall without him realizing it took place. Just had a 10 minute argument with my neighbor across the hall without him realizing it took place.  No one realizes when I really am mad.  My intentional cursing has very little impact. 

 

June 27^th, 2004 (Age 31) – Been calling my boss a douche hole to his face for two weeks now.  Tourette’s not all bad. 

 

February 15^th, 2005 (Age 32) – Got the MP3 player I asked for for my birthday.  Also scheduled my 2 week vacation to adopt my CD organization techniques to the next step in the digital age.  

  

Jerry Seinfeld:Medieval Court Jester

  What is the deal with the leeches, people?  Is this really the best medicine in all situations? If I come to the doctor with a demon possession and explosive diarrhea caused by this demon possession, I can understand… but if I fall off my horse and break my leg, I’m not thinking leeches are… the… pre-scrip- tion… for… ME.  I’m thinking, I don’t know… crutches?

      Oh, and the horses… we have gone overboard with horses, haven’t we?  I mean, do they need the whole set of drapes to wear into battle?  Is that really a horse’s concern at that time? “Hey, I don’t mind the swords and maces twirling around my head with deadly force, just don’t send me out there with a naked back.   If I’m gonna be stabbed, at least let me do it in the latest horse-style.”  I think it’s a little more likely they’re thinking “Hey, it’s not enough I gotta haul this guy around with his metal suit poking me, but I have to do it dressed like a fancy lad? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And why does he get to wear all of the protection?  I get this flattened spoon to wear on my nose and that’s it. I’m the one that needs the armor.  He’s wearing me for protection.” That’s what they’re thinking!

    Has everyone seen the new castle?  Impressive building.  It’s a safe building.  Big, thick stone walls… dozens of archers posts, big cauldens to boil oil in to dump on attackers, centennials on guard everywhere…   And a moat.  A moat. A big circle of water.  Is this really a deterrent?   Are there hordes of savages ready to attack our people saying “I’m not so much concerned about the hot oil, the guards with their giants swords, or the hundreds of arrows that are sure to rain down on us.   We just gotta figure some way to get across water.” “How about swimming?” “Too obvious… they’ll be expecting it.”     

   Courting’s tough, isn’t it?  You know what the problem is with courting, don’t you?   Men and women approach it differently.  Men are like knights, ready for action at a moments notice, always armed, always comparing the latest conquests with past ones.   Whereas women, they’re…well, they’re wicked and shouldn’t be heard to speak in public.   

And every time my wench does my laundry, she loses a hose!

The Private Journal of G.I. Joe’s Snake Eyes

June 30^th – Sometimes I have to wonder about this never-ending war with Cobra.  Super frustrating battle with Cobra today.   For about the billionth time, we had this large scale ground battle, thousands of troops, lots of artillery, tanks, hovercrafts, even some jet fighters overhead… and not one single casualty.   It sure would help the cause to kill at least one of Cobra’s guys.  We did almost lose Flint when his jet got hit with a surface to air missile.   Luckily, he parachuted out after the missile struck the cockpit.  Close call. 

 

 

July 1^st – Duke thinks he’s so hot just because he’s got a voice box.  Scarlet would so be with me if I could spit some smooth Shakespearian-level poetry shit in her ear.  But what’s Duke’s big line to land her?  “Baby, you must be an oppressing dictorial government, because you’re inspiring an uprising against you right now.”   Seriously?  Why didn’t he just ask her if it hurt when she fell from Heaven?   I hope she gives him the D bacterial infection.

 

July 2^rd – Very uncertain about the tactical planning of our operation.   About 700 of our troops were sent out to battle these weird vines that Cobra inadvertently created while attempting to control the world’s weather while I was sent into Cobra HQ to destroy the weather machine.   Just me.  I mean, we know where the place is.  Drop a bomb.  Launch a missile.   Just seems like we could have thought things out a little better and had a much more efficient plan to destroy the weather machine than me crawling through duct work in order to get close enough to stab it with my sword.  

 

Plus, our choices of weapons are just plain bizarre.  We have a guy that uses a falcon as his primary weapon, another guy that uses a timber wolf, one that only carries a harpoon gun, and I have to go buy my own guns because all they ever give me is that damn sword.   Could be worse.  There’s one dude that shows up from time-to-time that uses a football on a chain.

 

July 3^rd – They brought in another ninja to the team today.   It’s not that I mind another ninja being added to our ranks and it was great to be reunited with Storm Shadow… it just seems like making me all of a sudden switch roles on the team from a commando to a ninja was a little unnecessary when you’re just going to go out and recruit a handful of ninjas after the fact anyway.   I don’t think they realize how involved that training was.  Eh, at least I’m a real bad-ass now. 

 

July 4^th – The Joe cookout was today.  The guy with the football on a chain is no joke on the barbeque grill.

 

July 5^th – I don’t feel like a full member of the team.  I know I’m pretty active and do a ton of missions on my own, but still, something is missing.   This might be petty, but I think it mostly has to do with not being able to go out and warn kids about downed power lines or the dangers of skateboarding at construction sites, then telling them that knowing is half the battle.   

 

July 6^th – Thought about passing along my suggestions regarding more proactive approach to our war, but I have no idea how to relate up the chain of command.   What the heck is the ranking system around here?  I think Duke is the leader. I’m almost positive.  Is he General Duke?   No, just Duke.  We have an admiral, lieutenant, some captains, a major, and even Sgt Slaughter, but I’m not sure if that’s their ranks or just their oddball G.I. handles.  Who had that great idea?  What does Snakes Eyes even mean?  I’m not a gambler.    Plus, our enemy is Cobra.  You know… a snake?

 

July 7^th – It would be nice if I’d either lost my hearing instead of my voice box or Gung Ho had been the one to lose the power of speech.   He is the worst imaginable bunkie.  He’s damn near retarded.  He’s entertained and amazed by everything, but most notably, by his own farts.  I’m so tired of the reek of his constant gas , but I’m even more weary of hearing stupid shit like “Houston, we have a problem.   We’ve blown an O-ring,” or “Sweet Custer’s ghost!  That one smells like the gardening department at K-Mart!”

7 Habits of Highly Effective Skin Irritants

 

– Requiring 30 minutes of continuing flushing with cool tap water after contact with skin

– Being corrosive

– Causing severe burns after only brief contact

– Requiring a warning label with instructions of how to treat skin after contact

– Needing to be keep out of the reach of children

– Thinking Win/Win

– Causing dermatitis

Things G.I. Joe could have prepared me for more pressing then downed power lines and the dangers of hiding in old refrigerators

(Scene opens with two kids unwrapping the coating off batteries, crushing some red pills, and donning gas masks)

 

Mike – “Gee, Donnie, I never realized how easy it is to cook meth.  I mean, we found all this stuff around the house…except the anhydrous.”

 

Donnie – “Yeah, we’re gonna make a killing!”

 

Voice from unseen speaker – “A killing is right!”

 

Donnie and mike – “QUICK KICK!!!”

 

Quick Kick – “That’s right.  And I’ll be the first one to kick that crazy idea out of your head of becoming methamphetamine distributors.  Didn’t you know that congress as well as local authorities have been cracking down on meth related crimes and handing out the stiffest possible sentences?  You might even be tried as adults.”

 

Mike – “That would send us to prison.  I don’t want to be someone’s girlfriend before I’ve even had my own first girlfriend!”

 

Quick Kick – “I haven’t even told you the statistics regarding meth lab related fatalities and the likelihood of you becoming hooked on your own product.”

 

Donnie –  “Wow, we had no idea the treacherous road we were about to embark down!”

 

Quick Kick – “And now you know…”

 

All three together – “AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!”

 

 

–

 

 

 

(Scene opens with two college kids signing up for credit cards at an on-campus kiosk)

 

Ralph  – Turtle, check it out… free t-shirts and Frisbees!

 

Turtle – Just for filling out a credit card app?  I’m in, dude.

 

(Off screen voice) – You’ll be in for more than your counting on.

 

Ralph & Turtle – GUNG HO!!!

 

Gung Ho – That might be me, but I’m sure not gung ho for the idea of a high interest rate credit card.

 

Ralph – “But…. free stuff.”

 

Gung Ho – “Heck, son, you’re only going to cut the sleeves off that t-shirt and the only time you’ll ever wear it is in your intramural basketball games.  The real issue here is these cards have an adjustable interest rate and that rate starts out at just over 20 percent.”

 

Turtle – “I’ve never had a credit card before, but that seems like a lot.”

 

Gung Ho – “Sweet Custer’s Ghost, it IS a lot!  And I know what you’re thinking…’I’ll only use it for emergencies.’  Well, you get the munchies after a little partying and all of sudden, Taco Bell suddenly falls into that emergency category.  And you’re gonna look me in the eye and tell me the next kegger party wouldn’t go on your credit card if cash was short?”

 

Ralph & Turtle – (Sheepishly) “No, sir.”

 

Gung Ho – “Let’s do a little math here… let’s say your new credit card funds just one  weekend binge.  Between kegs, cups, pizza, a Denny’s hangover breakfast, some new CD’s you just had to have, and the set of collectors edition Highlander swords you and your retarded drunken buddies thought would be ‘kick ass’ to have hanging in your apartment,  you drop $600 bucks, playing it conservatively.  Well, with interest, that weekend becomes $720 by the time the bill comes around.  Minimum payment is the interest alone.  Could you two Sallies afford more than the minimum payment while in college? (Before the two can respond) Of course you can’t!  So that’s three more years of paying $120 bucks, or more if the interest rate adjusts, and then you still owe the $600 principle.  And that’s only if you never use the card again!”

Ralph – “I had no idea the kind of mess we’d get ourselves into!”

 

Gung Ho – “Well, now you know…”

 

All three – “AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE”

 

–

 

 

(Scene opens with a guy at a video rental store holding two DVD display cases)

 

Tom – “I just can’t decide.  I’ve been wanting to see Children of Men, but everyone says Borat is hilarious…”

 

(Tom notices a dark figure standing next to him silently)

 

Tom – “Whoa, Snake Eyes, you scared me.”

 

Snake Eyes – (Stands motionless for a moment, then points to the Borat case)

 

Tom – “This one is good, huh?”

 

Snakes Eyes – (Nods head)

 

Tom – “I didn’t know… but, now I do, right?”

 

Snake Eyes – (Nods head)

 

Tom – “And knowing is half the battle?”

 

Snake Eyes – (gives a thumbs up)

 

A Plea to the True Leaders of Our Culture

  

Dear Editors of Checkout Lane Magazines and Producers of Tabloid Television,

It is quite clear at this point you all have your fingers on the pulse of
America.  On the cover of any one of your magazines or within the 30 second promo ad for any one of your TV programs, you directly address the five or six really important issues that are eating at every one of us. 

When I heard that there were finally wedding bells in the future for Tom and Katie, my mind was overwhelmed with questions.  Where will the wedding be?  Where’s the honeymoon?  What will they wear?  Who will be on the guest list?  Then, one stroll through the checkout aisle and bam! I’ve got all the answers. In
France.  Fiji.  A dress and a tux.  Not Oprah.   Mere seconds between my pondering and your delivery of answers.  Impressive. 

We are no longer bombarded with useless headlines about which country has nuclear weapons or how much the national deficit is up to.  It’s been so long since the deficit has been mentioned that I am not sure it even exists anymore and that’s just so much more comfortable to be oblivious to its existence.  Who wants news that makes you fear for the future?   

I feel you not only have your collective fingers on the pulse of America, but I would even go so far as to say you’ve keyed in to the future of our country, that you’ve recognized where all our time, attention, and money is headed. You have directed us to the only true subject that matters.  Why not just take over all the other subjects that attempt to steal focus from the great celebrities we have to worship? 

I notice that when not discussing Jennifer Aniston’s dating status or the hidden privater lives of former American Idol contestants, people still talk about time.  Days, weeks, months, hours…where’s the excitement in that?  You need to put real meaning to these concepts and jazz them up the only way America needs to jazz anything up, by adding celebrities and television to the mix.  Wouldn’t it much more accurately express what one suffered at the hands of someone running late to be able to say, “I’ve been waiting here for a CSI:Miami AND a Three and a Half Men!” than it would to simply say it’s been an hour and a half?  The former complaint truly expresses this is what I missed and will never get back because of you. I mean, sure there are reruns, but who stands around the water cooler talking about reruns?  Even though I was a child at the time, I clearly recall numerous parents and teachers discussing at great length the shock they felt when the great mystery of who shot J.R. was finally revealed.  I do not recall a single person expressing that they couldn’t believe it will still Kristin that shot him when this same episode was rerun. 

Instead of the meaningless concept of “years,” attach that same time frame to something we all can put meaning to.  I feel it would really take the sting out of some sentencing trials for the judge to be able to say “I sentence you to prison for the term no less than the marriage of
Brittany and K-fed and not to exceed that of Hillary Swank and Chad Lowe.”  I know I’d be impressed with someone’s tenure if they stated “I’ve worked here since the Simpsons were just a short on The Tracy Ulman Show.”  If you simply said 20 years or two decades, I’d have to stop and do some math to figure out what point of my life that was.  You hit me with the Simpsons shorts reference and immediately, I’m like Damn, I was only a freshman in high school then!  I can attach some meaning to that statement. 

The days of the week have lost all meaning as well.  What exactly does Thursday mean anyway?  I’ll tell you what it means…Must Watch TV!  So, it should therefore be called Must Watch Day.  I’ll spell out the rest of the week as well.  Monday is Idol Day, Tuesday is Lawday (with two flavors of Law and Order), Wednesday is still going to be hump Day….come on,  the innuendo jokes are gold.  Friday is CSI Day.  Saturday is Tivo Day to catch up on the great stuff missed through the week.  Sunday is Sopranos Day.  It’s how we most refer to these days anyway. 

Our monetary system could be totally revamped as well.  The average child today probably has little clue who Ben Franklin is and probably more readily equates the nickname of a hundred dollar bill to rap songs about the Benjamins than to the face on the actual bill.  Give them the faces they know.  Rank the money the same way you rank your headline size; the bigger the star, the bigger the bill.  Except, may I beg that you make the quarter feature Paris Hilton, for the sake of all the “two-bit ho” jokes that could fuel the careers of stand up comics for months, possibly years?    Outside of this deviation, I would propose the following ranking of photos featured on the dominations:

The Penny – K-Fed.  It makes sense…he’s really not worth anything on his own.

The Nickle – That Bat Boy from the tabloids.  He’s been on there so much, he’s gotta be worth something.

The Dime – Kid Rock.  Easily worth 10 K-feds, still not worth much on his own.

Fifty Cent Piece – Do I even have to point it out?  Heads would be “Fiddy” and tails would be a depiction of nine bullets…or whatever the count is up to nowadays.

$1 coin – Emilio Estevez.  Because whenever either of the two pop up, I find myself thinking “Oh, this is still around, huh?  I wonder if it’s worth anything anymore.”

$1 bill – Brittany Spears.  Still worth something when it comes down to it, but the value has plummeted.  Possibly the crotch shot picture should be used because it’s the only thing keeping her in circulation today. 

$3 bill – The guy claiming to have killed Jon Benet.  (This is assuming that “Queer,” as in queer as a three dollar bill, means “odd.”   Well, it probably works the other way, too)

$5 bill – Comparative photos of the walking skeletons of Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, and whichever one of the Olsen Twins it is that’s scary thin. 

$10 bill – a picture of Tom and Katie together with Katie sporting a suspicious “bump” suggesting a possible second spawn or offspring. 

$20 bill – Brad

$50 bill – Angelina

$100 bill – Brad and Angelina feeding African babies

$1,000,000 bill – Brad and Angelina comforting the Crocodile Hunter’s daughter as they watch the stolen death footage of her father.

Of course these would all have to change frequently, as popularity (and therefore value) would fluctuate constantly.

Really, the possibilities are endless.  Presently, I’m working on renaming all car makes and models after celebrities.  I will forward my suggestions to you upon completion. Religions are on the back burner for now. 

Thank you for your attention to this matter and I trust you will be contacting your lobbyists and representatives to put these concepts into law. 

Sincerely,

Sean Hewlett 

A Letter Home after all the claims of My Spam Emails Actually Panned Out

Dear Dad,

Sorry, it’s been so long since I’ve written, but you wouldn’t believe the series of events I’ve been through.  They don’t seem to be slowing down either. 

I hope all is well.  How is the eczema?  I know a great PhAra-Macy, so I can get you some prescription skin cream direct from Canada.  That’s where they make the good drugs, apparently.  If they don’t have what you need,  I also know a couple of really good PHAhoRMACYs.  

Life has definitely been fast paced, but incredibly easy, too.  I have plenty of free time ever since I quit my job.  Yep, that’s right, finally free of the rat race!  But don’t worry, Pop.  It wasn’t some rash, irresponsible decision.  I simply don’t need a job anymore.  It’s pretty complicated, but essentially, the distant relatives of South African royalty needed my help transferring their wealth to American dollars.  All I had to do is cover some legal fees and give them my bank account info and PRESTO, instant millionaire! Even without the millions of dollars I raked in off of this transaction, I’m not sure I’d even need a job.  I’ve completely cleared up my credit.  It’s spotless and I didn’t have to pay off a single thing.  Also, I just keep winning free gas for a year.  So far, my fuel costs are covered until 2026.  According to this book I’m reading, we’ll already be out of oil by then anyway, so I hope these funds will transfer to whatever fuel source we’ll be using by then.   Still with all this financial security, it’s still good to have my 17 degrees to fall back on, just in case.  

My sex life is incredible, with all the vIa-GGraA I have at my disposal.  It doesn’t come in too handy with the Christian Singles I’ve been meeting in my area, but all those bored and lonely housewives that love to cheat on their husbands sure put it to good use.  Also, ever since I got sexy lips in just 10 minutes, re-grew all my thinning hair, got fit and toned in just 2 minutes a day, reduced my wrinkles in less than 28 days, and boosted my metabolism to burn fat at an unbelievable rate, the girls are all over me.  As a matter of fact, later on tonight I’m hooking up with some girl who contacted me to get together for a se-xUalENcounter.  Can you believe how forward women are today?  I’ve have most assuredly become the man that women desire.

But, Dad, this is just between you and me, now, I really don’t know what to do since the size of my manhood has so dramatically increased.  It’s really become quite cumbersome and finding pants that fit is almost impossible.  I’ve taken to wearing kilts.  Long kilts.  Also, I’m kind of worried about the increased risk of pregnancy since I’ve double the volume of my ejaculation.  Speaking of which, I found this really great Stain Remover.  I’ve got some extra free samples if you’d like to try it.  

 We really should get together soon.  Better yet, we should get away and spend some vacation time together.  I still have 13 free Disneyland all expenses paid vacations left.  The last 9 times were great.  There’s always Vegas, though.  I still have roughly 27 free weekend getaways.  Your choice.   

How’s that little brother of mine doing?  Last I heard he was just starting his third year in college.  I love the kid to death, Dad, and I hate to be negative, but three years and still not a single degree?  I really have to question his direction in life.  There is no reason anyone should take three years and still not have what they could earn in three weeks.  Have him call me, Dad.  If college isn’t for him, tell him I’ll get him started in Real estate.  Nothing major, but I’d give him a few dozen of the houses I’ve picked up for pennies on foreclosures.  I’ll teach him all about refinancing, too.  The 12 times I refinanced last week saved me a bundle.   

 Well, I need to get going.  I have a big meeting with my lawyer about my inheritance and I’ve got to get to the bank beforehand.  I guess Great Uncle Herbert Hewlett passed away.  I always thought Grandpa’s brother’s names were Ralph and Perry.  That Family Bible you passed down to me must have some mistakes in it because I can’t find Herbert anywhere on the family tree in the front of it.  Weird that he’d skip over you and your brother and I’d be his heir.  I never even met him.  I suppose after I give them the cashier’s check to cover some sort of escrow fee or something, I’ll find out the whole story.    

 Give Mom my love and tell her to set aside some time.  I want to take her on a ShOpping SprEE.   

 Love, Sean 

 P.S. Wish me luck in the
UK lottery.  I’m a finalist!