A Man, a Dog, Bathroom Graffiti, a Visor, and Other Important Characters…by Sean Hewlett

November 9, 2007

Rejection Emails I Have Received from McSweeney’s with the Messages Written between the Lines Spelled out.

Filed under: Humor — Sean Hewlett @ 9:26 am

– Hi Sean, Thanks for the list submission. We’re going to pass on it this time, but feel free to keep submitting!


– Hi Sean, Thanks for the lists submission. We’re going to pass on it this time, but feel free to keep submitting! I have a special button on my computer that generates messages to writers I don’t want to waste my time with. Guess what I just pressed.


– Hi Sean , Copy. Thanks for the list submission. We’re going to pass on it this time, but feel free to keep submitting!

Jess. Paste.

– Hi Sean – One-line lists need to really knock our socks off to get through. This one doesn’t. it does, however, suck shit through a straw, so thanks, as always, for the look.

Best, Chris

– Sean, It’s a little difficult to read. Can you reduce it some, pick your best choices, and resubmit? Wait, how about you just save it? Your rewrite will be equally difficult to read. I think you might be retarded and it’s kind of mean to give you false hope, so just don’t.


– Hi Sean – Alas, we’re not going to use this list, but thanks for the look, Sean. Please tell your friends and family to stop encouraging you in your writing pursuits.

Best, Chris

– Hi Sean, Thanks for the look, but I’m going to piss on your irrational hopes here.

Best, Benjamin Cohen Lists Editor

– Hi Sean, I’m gonna pass here, but please don’t hesitate to submit more in the future. I really love how it feels to shoot people down and you obviously love how it feels to get shot down, so keep it coming. We’ve got a good thing going here.

Best, Benjamin

– Hi Sean, Thanks for the chance to read your lists submission. We’re going to have to pass this time, but we look forward to reading your future work. Also, please note that we only read one submission per person at a time. It’s like getting kicked in the crotch twice. The first one hurts bad enough. Why make us suffer twice? Give us time to heal.


– I think the piece is funny, but the format is really similar to some pieces we already do, John Moe’s Pop Song Correspondences, and I like to let him hold on to that territory since he brought the concept to us. And he’s funny. You are not. I lied at the beginning of this email. Deal with it.

Best, John — John Warner Website Editor

– Hi Sean – Clever, but I feel like I’ve seen something similar to it before, so I’m not going to use it. All the same, thanks for the look. By thanks I mean, way to waste my time. And by for the look, I mean you unoriginal douche.

Best, Chris

– Hi Sean – I like the spin you put on this, but I’m afraid on going to pass it nonetheless. Suck it.

Best, Chris

– Hi Sean – This is well-written, but the target feels a bit too easy, so I’m going to pass. I wonder if the well has run dry for humorous takes on Tourette’s sufferers. (Yeah, there’s nothing added to this one)

Best, Chris


September 11, 2007

Top Secret Journal of James Bond, Agent 007

Filed under: Humor — Sean Hewlett @ 6:51 am




August 29th – Met this beautiful Irish woman tonight named Climax O’Rama.  I think she could be the one.  Granted, she came to the party on the arm of the terrorist who is my current nemesis, but she clearly wasn’t really into him.  She blew him off and came back to the hotel room with me.  Take that, Baron Von Stranglerhands.  Wonder what he was smirking about when I left with her.  Probably just masking his real feelings. 


August 30th –Sure enough, she tried to kill me this morning.  You’d think I’d see it coming by now.  “Hi, my name is Female Body Part Innuendo.  Let’s have sex before I try to kill you tomorrow.  You’ll never see it coming, even though several dozen other women have done the same thing.”  Yep, I’m an idiot. 


August 31st  – Court date today regarding restraining order and sexual harassment suit filed by Ms. Moneypenny.  Pretty sure she’s just jealous that she hasn’t been one of my many conquests and trying to get some payback for that.  Better up the bar when it comes to making passes at her so she doesn’t get all jealous again. 


September 1st – Don’t these evil geniuses ever have non-evil, helpful ideas?  I mean, I just doubt that these brilliant minds only ever think of destructo rays or tricky ways to highjack missiles.  It seems unlikely that a genius mind would be limited to only evil.  Or only good, for that matter.  I bet Edison had a couple of Death Ray-type of ideas. Or a counterfeiting machine.  Or a fingerprint remover.  Or a robot programmed to deliver kicks to the bollocks. 


September 2nd – AA meeting did not go so well tonight.  No one appreciated me responding to being asked how I take my coffee by saying “Shaken, not stirred.”  Long, awkward silence and a lot of dirty looks followed.  Come on, that’s funny. 


September 3rd – Spent the day the way a quiet Sunday should be spent, laying in my hammock and thumbing through a few books on my “To Read” list.  One of the ones I really should have read awhile ago was the Espionage Field Guide.  Turns out I shouldn’t be introducing myself to everyone buy my real name while on secret missions.  Also, my grand, attention-seeking entrances at cocktail parties and casinos also bad ideas.  Information that would have been useful several years ago.   


September 4th – Q is really starting to irritate me with these gadgets.  Sure, who couldn’t use a bulletproof briefcase or a laser pen, but some of this stuff is way past impractical.  “Hey, here’s an umbrella that’s really a gun.”  Yeah?  How about you give me a gun that’s really a gun?  You see, I can tuck that away in a number of hidden locations, such as a boot, a sports jacket, a waistband… but all I can do with the umbrella is carry it.  And it’s going to look rather odd, me refusing to leave my umbrella at the door.  And if I need to shoot it several times, how do I reload an umbrella?  Sure, an umbrella would be less conspicuous when I travel, but why would I need to conceal it during a trip when I can just travel by use of another one of your fantastic inventions, my jet tuxedo.  Jack off.  Oops, I’m British… Wanker.


August 13, 2007

To Do List from March 13th, 1984 for the Guy from Wham that Isn’t George Michaels

Filed under: Humor — Sean Hewlett @ 12:29 pm

1.  Practice whatever instrument it is I play in the group.  Or maybe I just sing.  

2. Cash paycheck for performing whatever service I perform for the group.

3. Talk George into changing group name from Wham to Michaels and … whatever my name is.

4. Climb on top of George for super-masculine album cover photo to dispel silly rumors of our being homosexuals.

5. Buy some acid.

6. Use acid to wash new jeans

7. Avoid shaving

8. Avoiding growing a beard

9. Go load up at K-Mart neon wristband buy one get one free sale.

10. Wake George up before I go.

July 30, 2007

Select Entries from over the Years out of the Journal of Rod Hinkle, Tourrette’s Syndrome Sufferer

Filed under: Humor — Sean Hewlett @ 7:00 am


August 14th, 1979 (Age 6) – I am bad at hide and seek.  I get found first every time.  Not much better at blind man’s bluff.  Red Light, Green Light is hard too.   I am no longer allowed to play Marco Polo, either.  My friends say I don’t play by the rules because it’s not called “Marco ASSWIPE Polo.”


 April 24th 1990 (age 17) – Prom didn’t go so well.  My date Denise misunderstood my compliment.  Really not her fault though.  Meant to tell her how attractive she looked, but came out “You sure do look MONKEY BUTT beautiful tonight.”  Also, stabbed her 14 times when trying to pin on corsage. 


June 2nd, 1991 (Age 18) – Great, thanks to yearbook staff, I will forever be the guy quoted as saying “It’s been a strange and wonderful man-love ride.”  They knew what I meant. 


November 5th, 1994 (Age 21) – qqqqqq q q qqqqq  qq q Can’t stop q qqqqq  qq q qqqq q pressing the Q key q q qqqq q q qqq with my tongue qq q q q q qqq  qqqqqqq qq qqqqq.


September 12th, 1995 (Age 22) – Almost started a riot on campus today during a speech by Rabbi Rosenberg at the Diversity Awareness Rally.   I swear, I was chanting “Kite.”  I need to start wearing an “I have Tourette’s Syndrome” t-shirt.  It’s hard to explain verbally when being rained down on with spit and water bottles. 


March 31st, 1997 (Age 24) – Did some jail time for the first time in my life.  Charged with contempt during the trial in which I was a character witness for my pal Chris.  Judge took offense to me adding the words Ball-sucking, cornhole, and purple nurple to the swearing-in process.  Calling judge “Your Honor Whore” while trying to explain was not helpful.  Chris really pissed about outcome of trial. 


August 19th, 1999 (Age 26) – Very productive weekend.  Rearranged CD collection alphabetically by album title, then again by year released, then again alphabetically by artist name, then again by combined number of letter in the album title and artist name least to greatest, then again by length of playtime greatest to least, then again by record label, then again by coordinating album cover color with that of spectrum, then again by algebraic formula taking into account number of people in the band multiplied by the square root of numerical year of copyright and multiplied exponentially by the number of singles released from the album, then again alphabetically by album title.  That one felt right the second time around. 


July 16th, 2001 (Age 28)  – Just had 10 minute argument with neighbor across the hall without him being aware it took place.  Just had a 10 minute argument with my neighbor across the hall without him realizing it took place. Just had a 10 minute argument with my neighbor across the hall without him realizing it took place.  No one realizes when I really am mad.  My intentional cursing has very little impact. 


June 27th, 2004 (Age 31) – Been calling my boss a douche hole to his face for two weeks now.  Tourette’s not all bad. 


February 15th, 2005 (Age 32) – Got the MP3 player I asked for for my birthday.  Also scheduled my 2 week vacation to adopt my CD organization techniques to the next step in the digital age.  


July 26, 2007

Jerry Seinfeld:Medieval Court Jester

Filed under: Humor — Sean Hewlett @ 9:02 am

  What is the deal with the leeches, people?  Is this really the best medicine in all situations? If I come to the doctor with a demon possession and explosive diarrhea caused by this demon possession, I can understand… but if I fall off my horse and break my leg, I’m not thinking leeches are… the… pre-scrip- tion… for… ME.  I’m thinking, I don’t know… crutches?

      Oh, and the horses… we have gone overboard with horses, haven’t we?  I mean, do they need the whole set of drapes to wear into battle?  Is that really a horse’s concern at that time? “Hey, I don’t mind the swords and maces twirling around my head with deadly force, just don’t send me out there with a naked back.   If I’m gonna be stabbed, at least let me do it in the latest horse-style.”  I think it’s a little more likely they’re thinking “Hey, it’s not enough I gotta haul this guy around with his metal suit poking me, but I have to do it dressed like a fancy lad? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And why does he get to wear all of the protection?  I get this flattened spoon to wear on my nose and that’s it. I’m the one that needs the armor.  He’s wearing me for protection.” That’s what they’re thinking!

    Has everyone seen the new castle?  Impressive building.  It’s a safe building.  Big, thick stone walls… dozens of archers posts, big cauldens to boil oil in to dump on attackers, centennials on guard everywhere…   And a moat.  A moat. A big circle of water.  Is this really a deterrent?   Are there hordes of savages ready to attack our people saying “I’m not so much concerned about the hot oil, the guards with their giants swords, or the hundreds of arrows that are sure to rain down on us.   We just gotta figure some way to get across water.” “How about swimming?” “Too obvious… they’ll be expecting it.”     

   Courting’s tough, isn’t it?  You know what the problem is with courting, don’t you?   Men and women approach it differently.  Men are like knights, ready for action at a moments notice, always armed, always comparing the latest conquests with past ones.   Whereas women, they’re…well, they’re wicked and shouldn’t be heard to speak in public.   

And every time my wench does my laundry, she loses a hose!

July 13, 2007

The Private Journal of G.I. Joe’s Snake Eyes

Filed under: Humor — Sean Hewlett @ 6:50 am

June 30th – Sometimes I have to wonder about this never-ending war with Cobra.  Super frustrating battle with Cobra today.   For about the billionth time, we had this large scale ground battle, thousands of troops, lots of artillery, tanks, hovercrafts, even some jet fighters overhead… and not one single casualty.   It sure would help the cause to kill at least one of Cobra’s guys.  We did almost lose Flint when his jet got hit with a surface to air missile.   Luckily, he parachuted out after the missile struck the cockpit.  Close call. 



July 1st – Duke thinks he’s so hot just because he’s got a voice box.  Scarlet would so be with me if I could spit some smooth Shakespearian-level poetry shit in her ear.  But what’s Duke’s big line to land her?  “Baby, you must be an oppressing dictorial government, because you’re inspiring an uprising against you right now.”   Seriously?  Why didn’t he just ask her if it hurt when she fell from Heaven?   I hope she gives him the D bacterial infection.


July 2rd – Very uncertain about the tactical planning of our operation.   About 700 of our troops were sent out to battle these weird vines that Cobra inadvertently created while attempting to control the world’s weather while I was sent into Cobra HQ to destroy the weather machine.   Just me.  I mean, we know where the place is.  Drop a bomb.  Launch a missile.   Just seems like we could have thought things out a little better and had a much more efficient plan to destroy the weather machine than me crawling through duct work in order to get close enough to stab it with my sword.  


Plus, our choices of weapons are just plain bizarre.  We have a guy that uses a falcon as his primary weapon, another guy that uses a timber wolf, one that only carries a harpoon gun, and I have to go buy my own guns because all they ever give me is that damn sword.   Could be worse.  There’s one dude that shows up from time-to-time that uses a football on a chain.


July 3rd – They brought in another ninja to the team today.   It’s not that I mind another ninja being added to our ranks and it was great to be reunited with Storm Shadow… it just seems like making me all of a sudden switch roles on the team from a commando to a ninja was a little unnecessary when you’re just going to go out and recruit a handful of ninjas after the fact anyway.   I don’t think they realize how involved that training was.  Eh, at least I’m a real bad-ass now. 


July 4th – The Joe cookout was today.  The guy with the football on a chain is no joke on the barbeque grill.


July 5th – I don’t feel like a full member of the team.  I know I’m pretty active and do a ton of missions on my own, but still, something is missing.   This might be petty, but I think it mostly has to do with not being able to go out and warn kids about downed power lines or the dangers of skateboarding at construction sites, then telling them that knowing is half the battle.   


July 6th – Thought about passing along my suggestions regarding more proactive approach to our war, but I have no idea how to relate up the chain of command.   What the heck is the ranking system around here?  I think Duke is the leader. I’m almost positive.  Is he General Duke?   No, just Duke.  We have an admiral, lieutenant, some captains, a major, and even Sgt Slaughter, but I’m not sure if that’s their ranks or just their oddball G.I. handles.  Who had that great idea?  What does Snakes Eyes even mean?  I’m not a gambler.    Plus, our enemy is Cobra.  You know… a snake?


July 7th – It would be nice if I’d either lost my hearing instead of my voice box or Gung Ho had been the one to lose the power of speech.   He is the worst imaginable bunkie.  He’s damn near retarded.  He’s entertained and amazed by everything, but most notably, by his own farts.  I’m so tired of the reek of his constant gas , but I’m even more weary of hearing stupid shit like “Houston, we have a problem.   We’ve blown an O-ring,” or “Sweet Custer’s ghost!  That one smells like the gardening department at K-Mart!”

July 2, 2007

What a Writer Stands to Learn from the Death of Captain America

Filed under: Chasing Publication — Sean Hewlett @ 3:52 pm

I read online today that Captain America’s funeral is this week.  No, I’m not delusional and think this is a real life event.  The comic book that features the event comes out on Thursday.  It might be the first comic book I buy in about four years.  And yes, I am comfortable enough in my comic book geekiness to refer to it as a comic book.  Only comic book geeks in denial refer to them as graphic novels. 

My first reaction to hearing that they killed off the Captain was shock.  How could they do this?  That’s a cardinal sin, killing off an icon of the comic book world.  You just don’t do that.  It was also my second and third reaction.  And it’s still my reaction.

You see, there are these unwritten rules that comic book geeks demand be adhered to.  It’s hard to explain, but after all the years that get invested in following a storyline, the reader takes on some ownership to the title, like it’s something they’ve been involved in and not just reading.  So, there are expectations.  Rules.

For those who may not be familiar with these rules, I’ll list some here, but I don’t have the time or energy to delve into all the expectations we, I mean, those darn comic book geeks demand.


1. You can kill the sidekick, you can kill a member of a team or a secondary character, but you can’t touch the icons.  We’ll be upset when the Robins and Colossus’s of the comic book world pass, but we’ll get over it.  If you kill Superman, you’ll just end up having to write really bad plots about how he comes back.


2. If you do kill a character, he or she should either stay dead or have a damn good reason and explanation why he or she came back.  No one just shows up in the shower like nothing happened.  Even worse, don’t give us the amnesia thing where the character doesn’t remember how he came back, saving your from having to come up with something acceptable. 


3. In casting the movie adaptations of our favorite titles, you stick as closely to the comic version as possible.  No changing names or genders.  No making a villain a good guy or vice versa.  And just know for a fact that we will complain about whoever you cast, but doesn’t mean you have a free pass to be throwing Michael Clarke Duncan into your movies.  


4. Have a reason for two icon figures to team up.  And that reason can never be “’Cause it’ll sell a buttload of comics.” 


5. Stay true to the rules of the universe you created.  There’s no way Wolverine could be in the 43 places you have him showing up in the course of one month.


6. Don’t think we’ll forget.  We remember the Spider-Man clone, the replacement Captain America, the further mutation of the Thing, etc.  It’s better that you make fun of yourself and acknowledge these poor choices than to leave it up to us. 

Despite his disregard for the rules, I can’t help but admire Ed Brubaker for writing this storyline.  If anyone knows the staunch rules that comic book geeks demand from the writers, it’s a comic book writer.  Okay, maybe the guy at the register of the comic book shop who has to endure hours upon hours of rants about how unjust the world is because Batman’s back was broken or Spider-Man publicly removed his mask knows just as well.  But the point is, he knew we’d freak out.  He knew some of the more obsessive fans would go so far as to call him a murderer (which is more than just a little unhealthy of a viewpoint).  He knew that there was not one fan out there that would say, “Hey, good choice.” 

But he wrote it anyway. 

That’s courageous writing.  To take chances in a short stories or even a novel, well, people are only reading that novel.  No one reads the same storyline of a novel for 50 years.  Well, it may take some people that long, but you’d never have to worry that they’re writing you bad reviews or hate mail. 

He did what a writer should do.  He took his story in the direction he saw it needed to go without fear of what you or I would think about it.  He knew we wouldn’t like it, but had confidence enough to know he could tell the story well enough that we’d come to understand or accept it.  He took his reader to uncomfortable places that we never wanted to see.  As weird as it may sound when talking about comic books, that’s real.  Sometimes, the bad guys win, the day isn’t saved, and people rarely live happily ever after.  To quote the genius Dante (The Quik Stop clerk, not the poet), “That’s what life is, a series of down endings.” 

And I don’t just like down endings.  That isn’t what impresses me.  I like stories that take you somewhere you didn’t expect. 

For example, one of my favorite upbeat, happy endings comes from Harry Crews.  The reason I didn’t see it coming?  Well, Crews isn’t exactly the happy ending type of guy.  I’m referring to writing here.  I have no idea what kind of massages he gets. 

Anyway, Crews is morbid and dark, so when I read this upbeat, optimistic ending, it through me for a loop.  I won’t tell you what book it was because then you will see it coming.  What he wrote in that book, though, might have disappointed fans that had come to expect dark and morbid.  But he wrote it anyway. 

I know in my own writing, I back down sometimes, worrying about what this person or that person will think when they read my story.  What will my family say when they read this story where they guy describes adult movies?  What will my dad think if he reads the story about a childhood accident eerily similar to my own in which the father doesn’t come off as a very nice guy?  Will people think I’m racist because I wrote a story about a guy who is a skinhead?  I find that I regularly have to tell myself to shut up in order to write what is real or true to my characters or stories. 

A story can’t always go where the majority thinks it should go.  It definitely can’t go where the majority expects it to go.   And that takes the kind of courage that Ed Brubaker had when writing the death of Captain America.  He’s still a bastard for doing it, though. 


June 8, 2007

What Does the Junkyard Have To Do With Anything?

Filed under: Chasing Publication — Sean Hewlett @ 2:10 pm

One of my recent story ideas has to do with my weird affinity for the junkyard.  It has more to do with writing than it has to do with me being a gear head or grease monkey or…another odd pseudonym for someone who enjoys working on vehicles.

There are a million stories in the junkyard if you pay attention.  You can see a small reflection of whatever the vehicle’s last owner was going through at the time of the vehicle’s demise in all the crap left behind in the backseat or the trunk or the floorboards.  You can tell what kind of life the car or truck lived by what its interior looks like, whether it was a family car with happy meal boxes and broken toys left behind or a work truck with receipts from finished jobs and notes on upcoming estimates. 

You can tell what kind of owner drove it by the meticulous vehicle logs tracking gas mileage and oil changes left in the glove box or the complete chaos of old junk food rappers, books, broken cassette tapes, clothes, and whatever else could possibly pile up in a backseat.

And you can see some pretty gruesome stories to be told, too.  Spider web-shaped shatters in windshields right where someone’s head would hit if they weren’t wearing a seatbelt during the head-on collision that caved in the front end of the car.  Cars with their roofs crushed in to the point that they are touching the seats from when the car rolled over and over and you know there was no chance someone walked away from the accident.  A lot of these stories you know ended in tears and funerals.  These aren’t the stories I want to see or enjoy seeing, but sometimes, they cry out to be told.   I’m not so morbid that these stories are what keep me want to come back to the junkyard.  They are just hard to ignore.

What does make me want to come back is the slice out of life a lot of these junked vehicles represent.  What was so pressing about getting that van to the junkyard before anyone bothered to get the DP weight set out of the back?  Why on earth is the back seat of that Honda filled with plastic water cooler bottles?  How did that pick-up manage to end up with an almost perfectly round two foot hole punched completely through the bed?  What happened to C&E Contractors that they ended up with three work trucks all in the same lot?  It’s the same reason I love second-hand shops and yard sales.  All these things that were once important enough to shell out some cash for, now tossed away…what happened in-between to change that thing’s importance?

These are questions I’ll start answering with what I guess might have happened.  I usually leave with one story trumping the rest, stealing my attention away from the others I ran across. 

This new story is a little different though.  It doesn’t come from a story I ran across in a junkyard.  It comes directly from my odd interest in the junkyard. 

I noticed a junkyard in my town that I had never seen before.  By the looks of it, it’s been around forever, but it’s tucked away in a residential neighborhood, so I just never took notice of it.  It made me wonder about when it first came to the neighborhood, how up in arms the neighbors must have been.  I can imagine people would put up a pretty decent fight against letting the zoning board or whoever allow the business to move in. 

So in my wondering, my main character became the main adversary and eventually, the main supporter of the yard.  It’s probably a safe bet that his obsession with the stories behind the cars leads to his change of heart.

My Biggest Hurdle

Filed under: Chasing Publication — Sean Hewlett @ 1:05 pm

 The same huge problem in my approach to writing that has held me back over and over has sidelined me in my pursuit of becoming published for quite some time now.

Laziness.  Or maybe procrastination. 

It wouldn’t be nearly as impossible to fit writing into my life as I’ve allowed it to seem lately.  True, I’ve been putting in all kind of crazy work hours and had plenty of stuff to acomplish that, priority-wise, should come first.  That’s doesn’t mean I can just let writing completely disappear from my life .

That’s exactly what I’ve let happen, though. 

So, earlier this week, I forced myself to sit down in front of the computer and do some work.  First, I jotted down some notes on two new story ideas.  They are about two things I really get into, the junkyard and the NBA.  MAybe I’ll explain more later.   

After getting the bare bones of these two stories down before i forgot my  ideas, I revisited my biggest project for the first time in a looooooong time.  Staying away from that project wasn’t just laziness, though.  That was a choice. 

I had put together the skeleton of my first novel awhile back, but had decided to approach writing with a plan for a change and not just deal with whatever pops into my head. 

The plan was to focus on short stories first, then revisit the novel later.  I had several reasons why this made sense. 

First, it’s simply easier to get a short story published than to get a book deal.  If I can get an established name out there through a handful of published short stories, it would give a publisher a reason to pay a little more attention to a manuscript.

Secondly, short stories fit in with my work schedule a lot better.  It’s pretty hard to stay committed to a project as big as a novel with only an hour here or there that I could set aside for working on it.  I tried working on the novel in small incriments of time, but it made organizing my thoughts really difficult and tying one plot point to another even harder.

And just as importantly, it gives me practice to fine tune my writing on smaller projects. 

While I still think this plan makes sense and should be where my focus was, revisiting the novel gave me some enthusiasm and determination I’d been missing lately.  It was a lot like getting back on the basketball court after a long time away from it and somehow, despite the lack of practice and exercise, still playing well and remembering why the game was so much fun.   

So the novel can go on the back burner again, as long as my writing altogether doesn’t go with it. 

April 23, 2007

7 Habits of Highly Effective Skin Irritants

Filed under: Humor — Sean Hewlett @ 7:43 am


– Requiring 30 minutes of continuing flushing with cool tap water after contact with skin

– Being corrosive

– Causing severe burns after only brief contact

– Requiring a warning label with instructions of how to treat skin after contact

– Needing to be keep out of the reach of children

– Thinking Win/Win

– Causing dermatitis

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