A Letter Home after all the claims of My Spam Emails Actually Panned Out

Dear Dad,

Sorry, it’s been so long since I’ve written, but you wouldn’t believe the series of events I’ve been through.  They don’t seem to be slowing down either. 

I hope all is well.  How is the eczema?  I know a great PhAra-Macy, so I can get you some prescription skin cream direct from Canada.  That’s where they make the good drugs, apparently.  If they don’t have what you need,  I also know a couple of really good PHAhoRMACYs.  

Life has definitely been fast paced, but incredibly easy, too.  I have plenty of free time ever since I quit my job.  Yep, that’s right, finally free of the rat race!  But don’t worry, Pop.  It wasn’t some rash, irresponsible decision.  I simply don’t need a job anymore.  It’s pretty complicated, but essentially, the distant relatives of South African royalty needed my help transferring their wealth to American dollars.  All I had to do is cover some legal fees and give them my bank account info and PRESTO, instant millionaire! Even without the millions of dollars I raked in off of this transaction, I’m not sure I’d even need a job.  I’ve completely cleared up my credit.  It’s spotless and I didn’t have to pay off a single thing.  Also, I just keep winning free gas for a year.  So far, my fuel costs are covered until 2026.  According to this book I’m reading, we’ll already be out of oil by then anyway, so I hope these funds will transfer to whatever fuel source we’ll be using by then.   Still with all this financial security, it’s still good to have my 17 degrees to fall back on, just in case.  

My sex life is incredible, with all the vIa-GGraA I have at my disposal.  It doesn’t come in too handy with the Christian Singles I’ve been meeting in my area, but all those bored and lonely housewives that love to cheat on their husbands sure put it to good use.  Also, ever since I got sexy lips in just 10 minutes, re-grew all my thinning hair, got fit and toned in just 2 minutes a day, reduced my wrinkles in less than 28 days, and boosted my metabolism to burn fat at an unbelievable rate, the girls are all over me.  As a matter of fact, later on tonight I’m hooking up with some girl who contacted me to get together for a se-xUalENcounter.  Can you believe how forward women are today?  I’ve have most assuredly become the man that women desire.

But, Dad, this is just between you and me, now, I really don’t know what to do since the size of my manhood has so dramatically increased.  It’s really become quite cumbersome and finding pants that fit is almost impossible.  I’ve taken to wearing kilts.  Long kilts.  Also, I’m kind of worried about the increased risk of pregnancy since I’ve double the volume of my ejaculation.  Speaking of which, I found this really great Stain Remover.  I’ve got some extra free samples if you’d like to try it.  

 We really should get together soon.  Better yet, we should get away and spend some vacation time together.  I still have 13 free Disneyland all expenses paid vacations left.  The last 9 times were great.  There’s always Vegas, though.  I still have roughly 27 free weekend getaways.  Your choice.   

How’s that little brother of mine doing?  Last I heard he was just starting his third year in college.  I love the kid to death, Dad, and I hate to be negative, but three years and still not a single degree?  I really have to question his direction in life.  There is no reason anyone should take three years and still not have what they could earn in three weeks.  Have him call me, Dad.  If college isn’t for him, tell him I’ll get him started in Real estate.  Nothing major, but I’d give him a few dozen of the houses I’ve picked up for pennies on foreclosures.  I’ll teach him all about refinancing, too.  The 12 times I refinanced last week saved me a bundle.   

 Well, I need to get going.  I have a big meeting with my lawyer about my inheritance and I’ve got to get to the bank beforehand.  I guess Great Uncle Herbert Hewlett passed away.  I always thought Grandpa’s brother’s names were Ralph and Perry.  That Family Bible you passed down to me must have some mistakes in it because I can’t find Herbert anywhere on the family tree in the front of it.  Weird that he’d skip over you and your brother and I’d be his heir.  I never even met him.  I suppose after I give them the cashier’s check to cover some sort of escrow fee or something, I’ll find out the whole story.    

 Give Mom my love and tell her to set aside some time.  I want to take her on a ShOpping SprEE.   

 Love, Sean 

 P.S. Wish me luck in the
UK lottery.  I’m a finalist!