A Plea to the True Leaders of Our Culture

  

Dear Editors of Checkout Lane Magazines and Producers of Tabloid Television,

It is quite clear at this point you all have your fingers on the pulse of
America.  On the cover of any one of your magazines or within the 30 second promo ad for any one of your TV programs, you directly address the five or six really important issues that are eating at every one of us. 

When I heard that there were finally wedding bells in the future for Tom and Katie, my mind was overwhelmed with questions.  Where will the wedding be?  Where’s the honeymoon?  What will they wear?  Who will be on the guest list?  Then, one stroll through the checkout aisle and bam! I’ve got all the answers. In
France.  Fiji.  A dress and a tux.  Not Oprah.   Mere seconds between my pondering and your delivery of answers.  Impressive. 

We are no longer bombarded with useless headlines about which country has nuclear weapons or how much the national deficit is up to.  It’s been so long since the deficit has been mentioned that I am not sure it even exists anymore and that’s just so much more comfortable to be oblivious to its existence.  Who wants news that makes you fear for the future?   

I feel you not only have your collective fingers on the pulse of America, but I would even go so far as to say you’ve keyed in to the future of our country, that you’ve recognized where all our time, attention, and money is headed. You have directed us to the only true subject that matters.  Why not just take over all the other subjects that attempt to steal focus from the great celebrities we have to worship? 

I notice that when not discussing Jennifer Aniston’s dating status or the hidden privater lives of former American Idol contestants, people still talk about time.  Days, weeks, months, hours…where’s the excitement in that?  You need to put real meaning to these concepts and jazz them up the only way America needs to jazz anything up, by adding celebrities and television to the mix.  Wouldn’t it much more accurately express what one suffered at the hands of someone running late to be able to say, “I’ve been waiting here for a CSI:Miami AND a Three and a Half Men!” than it would to simply say it’s been an hour and a half?  The former complaint truly expresses this is what I missed and will never get back because of you. I mean, sure there are reruns, but who stands around the water cooler talking about reruns?  Even though I was a child at the time, I clearly recall numerous parents and teachers discussing at great length the shock they felt when the great mystery of who shot J.R. was finally revealed.  I do not recall a single person expressing that they couldn’t believe it will still Kristin that shot him when this same episode was rerun. 

Instead of the meaningless concept of “years,” attach that same time frame to something we all can put meaning to.  I feel it would really take the sting out of some sentencing trials for the judge to be able to say “I sentence you to prison for the term no less than the marriage of
Brittany and K-fed and not to exceed that of Hillary Swank and Chad Lowe.”  I know I’d be impressed with someone’s tenure if they stated “I’ve worked here since the Simpsons were just a short on The Tracy Ulman Show.”  If you simply said 20 years or two decades, I’d have to stop and do some math to figure out what point of my life that was.  You hit me with the Simpsons shorts reference and immediately, I’m like Damn, I was only a freshman in high school then!  I can attach some meaning to that statement. 

The days of the week have lost all meaning as well.  What exactly does Thursday mean anyway?  I’ll tell you what it means…Must Watch TV!  So, it should therefore be called Must Watch Day.  I’ll spell out the rest of the week as well.  Monday is Idol Day, Tuesday is Lawday (with two flavors of Law and Order), Wednesday is still going to be hump Day….come on,  the innuendo jokes are gold.  Friday is CSI Day.  Saturday is Tivo Day to catch up on the great stuff missed through the week.  Sunday is Sopranos Day.  It’s how we most refer to these days anyway. 

Our monetary system could be totally revamped as well.  The average child today probably has little clue who Ben Franklin is and probably more readily equates the nickname of a hundred dollar bill to rap songs about the Benjamins than to the face on the actual bill.  Give them the faces they know.  Rank the money the same way you rank your headline size; the bigger the star, the bigger the bill.  Except, may I beg that you make the quarter feature Paris Hilton, for the sake of all the “two-bit ho” jokes that could fuel the careers of stand up comics for months, possibly years?    Outside of this deviation, I would propose the following ranking of photos featured on the dominations:

The Penny – K-Fed.  It makes sense…he’s really not worth anything on his own.

The Nickle – That Bat Boy from the tabloids.  He’s been on there so much, he’s gotta be worth something.

The Dime – Kid Rock.  Easily worth 10 K-feds, still not worth much on his own.

Fifty Cent Piece – Do I even have to point it out?  Heads would be “Fiddy” and tails would be a depiction of nine bullets…or whatever the count is up to nowadays.

$1 coin – Emilio Estevez.  Because whenever either of the two pop up, I find myself thinking “Oh, this is still around, huh?  I wonder if it’s worth anything anymore.”

$1 bill – Brittany Spears.  Still worth something when it comes down to it, but the value has plummeted.  Possibly the crotch shot picture should be used because it’s the only thing keeping her in circulation today. 

$3 bill – The guy claiming to have killed Jon Benet.  (This is assuming that “Queer,” as in queer as a three dollar bill, means “odd.”   Well, it probably works the other way, too)

$5 bill – Comparative photos of the walking skeletons of Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, and whichever one of the Olsen Twins it is that’s scary thin. 

$10 bill – a picture of Tom and Katie together with Katie sporting a suspicious “bump” suggesting a possible second spawn or offspring. 

$20 bill – Brad

$50 bill – Angelina

$100 bill – Brad and Angelina feeding African babies

$1,000,000 bill – Brad and Angelina comforting the Crocodile Hunter’s daughter as they watch the stolen death footage of her father.

Of course these would all have to change frequently, as popularity (and therefore value) would fluctuate constantly.

Really, the possibilities are endless.  Presently, I’m working on renaming all car makes and models after celebrities.  I will forward my suggestions to you upon completion. Religions are on the back burner for now. 

Thank you for your attention to this matter and I trust you will be contacting your lobbyists and representatives to put these concepts into law. 

Sincerely,

Sean Hewlett